Fragments

For most of my life I have struggled when any other person was responding negatively or critically to me. I know this is a very common experience for most people: “insecurity.” However, years ago, the standard reason for my “insecurity” was dealt with quite wonderfully over a few years. Three reasons:

• Fruitful involvement in a redemptive community
• 3 years with a wise and healing counselor
• Finally discovering the aspect of Jesus Christ that is usually the initial reason people fall in love with Him these days: radical forgiveness in all directions

With the power of forgiveness, healing, and fundamental change, the “insecurity” explanation gave way to a deeper cause. There was something more fundamental: Namely, in interpersonal conflicts, I could not adequately negotiate the spectrum of responsibility.

On one extreme of that spectrum is this is all my fault; I really am a horrible person. On the opposite extreme is this person is a horrible person; I’ve done nothing wrong. Of course, this seemingly simple spectrum, like all human spectra, is complicated by ignorance, shallowness, defensiveness, deception, and other devils. Still, I needed to know who was doing what to whom, when. Because quite simply, I wanted to approach faithfulness to Christ with whatever degree of authenticity and wisdom I could muster, even in the heat of “battle.” Especially then. (It is so easy to be “a good person” when all is comfortable and relaxed.)

I knew I should avoid dismissing personal responsibility with the shallow, “I don’t care what other people think.” On the other hand, feigned humility, as in “I just can’t forgive myself,” was out of the question.

Then, several years ago, someone with whom I had been very dearly connected for a very long time underwent what seemed some rather sudden fundamental personality changes. Why? I have considered several possible reasons, but have given up on being as wise as I once believed myself to be. The possible reason(s) seem(s) bewildering. In any case, for herm, I was now an object of very intense scorn. Rejection. Vitriol. And ultimately, almost complete rejection and silence, complete unwillingness to have any contact.

As the saying goes, “there are two (at least) sides to every story.” I do not want to assume that my “side” is anywhere near the whole truth. But everything I am describing in this post is documented on various written messages both to me and from me.

I want to give one example of why this turn of events remains so strange to me. I once made this offer to herm: “Please let us get together one more time. You pick the time and place. If there is a meal involved, it’s on me. I promise to only listen to your grievances, in complete silence – unless you ask me a direct question. With your permission, I might also want to ask a question that clarifies something I do not understand. But only with your permission. Also with your permission, I would like to take notes – completely private between us – so I can review them prayerfully over the next few weeks, in order to give myself adequate time to truly understand your viewpoint. The meeting can be over as soon as you say so.”

This offer was rejected – sternly, in writing, with no explanation other than, “I don’t want to have that talk with you.”

So how in the world can this post take a turn into the intended “Positive thing a family member has done for you”? Here’s how:

This person, this situation, has freed me forever from the devilish delusion that was hammered into me in childhood: that barring any undeniable evidence to the contrary, or any objective nuanced considerations, I must hold myself accountable for any negative treatment of me by another. That, even if the other seems to be in denial or projecting or in a bad mood or even mentally ill, I did something wrong and unacceptable for which I must suffer shame whatever powers or influences take the shame away.

This situation — to date, unresolvable — is my constant reminder that sometimes, no matter what I have or have not done, the ongoing situation is what it is without some unforgiveable ongoing fault of mine being the primary cause. If the other person(s) in this situation ever shows a desire to heal, I will almost certainly recall the words of Joseph:

Genesis 50:20-21

Tags: dailyprompt

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